Random joke from this category
- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner.
- and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.
- That's a shame. - said his friend.
- How did it happen?
- She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking --
- Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too.
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say:
- Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say:
- No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?
Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?
- Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.
The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfies turn. He said:
- I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging.
Dear Ann:
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
WHY? ......
- Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks
- USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.
- It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!
- I break for hallucinations
- My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer
- Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)
- DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!
- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
- Nuck Fewt
- ORGASM DONOR
- My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall
- No radio. Already stolen.
- Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
- So many pedestrians, so little time.
- My other wife is beautiful.
- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
- Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
- There is one in every crowd and they always find me.
- I love animals - They taste great!
- I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.
- Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!
- On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"
And the Number one World's Shortest book......
Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:
I'D LOVE TO BUT......
- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
- I have to fluff my shower cap.
- I have to fulfill my potential.
- I left my body in my other clothes.
- I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
- I'll be looking for a parking space.
- I'm being deported.
- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
- I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
- I'm sandblasting my oven.
- I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
- I'm worried about my vertical hold.
- I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
- I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
- it's too close to the turn of the century.
- my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
- my plot to take over the world is thickening.
- my subconscious says no.
- none of my socks match.
- the grunion are running.
- the last time I went, I never came back.
- the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.
