Situations — best jokes

- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

- Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

- In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

- On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

- In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

- On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

- On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

- At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

- On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

- At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

- At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

- In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

- On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

- In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

- At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

- On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

- On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

- In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

- Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

- In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

- On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

- In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

- I have to floss my pets...

- I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

- I want to spend more time with my blender.

- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

- I'm building a pig from a kit.

- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

- I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

- I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

- I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

- I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

- I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

- It's my parakeet's bowling night.

- My patent is pending.

- The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

- No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit.

- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

- Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!

- White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.

- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

- I feel a song coming on.

- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

- I have to bleach my hare.

- I have too much guilt.

- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...

- I never go out on days that end in "Y."

- I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.

- I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

- I'm having all my plants neutered.

- I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

- I'm too old for that stuff.

- I'm too young for that stuff.

- I'm touring China with a wok band.

- I'm trying desperately to be less popular.

- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

- My bathroom tiles need grouting.

- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

- My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:

- Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read:

- Now there are two!

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:

- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself - Is this guy blind or what?

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - growls the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

- Atheism - A non-prophet organization.

- Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

- Clones are people two.

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- Entropy isn't what it used to be.

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

- Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

- Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs

- Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.

- I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

- Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.

- My reality check just bounced.

- No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

- So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I have to go to court for kitty littering.

- I have to jog my memory.

- I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

- I have to rotate my crops.

- I have to sit up with a sick ant.

- I have to stay home and see if I snore.

- I have to study for a blood test.

- I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).

- I'm going to be old someday.

- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

- I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

- I'm trying to cut down.

- I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.

- I've been traded to Cincinnati.

- My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

- my favorite commercial is on TV.

- My uncle escaped... again.

- Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!