Sex Jokes — best jokes

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs....what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing," she answered, ripping open her blouse.

"Look what he did to my tits!"

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."

The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

"I'm in love with my horse," he said.

"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."

"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."

"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"

"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"

Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Bruce?"

"Sure."

"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!"

"No shit?" Bruce asked.

"Well, hardly any."

Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of a sudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tells the second, "Don't cum until I come back", and he rushes off to answer the door.

After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroom only to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. He says to the second gay man, "I thought you wasn't going to cum until I came back." The second gay man says to the first, "I didn't cum, ........ I farted!"