Sex Jokes — best jokes

What did one gay sperm say to the other?
→ I can't find my way through all this shit.

What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
→ Mud flaps!

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.

Then, one of them got an idea, saying "I know, let's play swords!"

"Play swords?" asked the other. "How?" "Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's hard, and we both whack 'em together like swords."

So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords.

Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.

"We're playing swords!" yelled one of the bums.

The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted. "I'm tired," he said. He bent over saying, "kill me!, kill me!!"

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.

"And on the third day..." he began.

"No! no! start with the first day," Everyone yells out in chorus.

"And on the third day, " the private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.

When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded.

"If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean."

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

"Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.

He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry."

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"