Sex Jokes — best jokes

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

• Accountants do it with Double Entry
• Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
• Ambulance drivers come quicker
• Australians do it Down Under
• Bach did it using the organ
• Bankers do it with interest
• Bartenders do it on the Rocks
• Batman does it using his Robin
• Bookkeepers do it for the record
• Bosses delegate the task to others
• Chess players check their Mates
• Cops do it with cuffs
• DJs do it on request
• Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
• Dentists do it orally
• Detectives do it under cover
• Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
• Elevator men do it up and down
• Engineers do it to specifications
• Engineers do it to a first order approximation
• Firemen do it with a big hose
• Frank Sinatra does it his way
• Garbagemen come twice a week
• Gardeners do it on the bushes
• Gas attendants Pump all day
• Golfers do it in 18 holes
• Landlords do it every 1st of the month
• Managers make others do it
• Marketing reps do it on commission
• Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
• Teachers do it with class
• Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
• Zoologists do it with animals

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar.

One looks at the other and says...

"You wanna go in and get shit faced?"

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

• You woke me up for that?
• Do you smell something burning?
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• Got any penicillin?
• Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I want a baby!
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• Did I mention the video camera?
• So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• I have a confession...
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
• Hic! I need another beer for this please
• I think biting is romantic- don't you?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
• Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

Guys shouldn't say:

• A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel)
• Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
• (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• But I just brushed my teeth...
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people...
• That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• Now I know why he dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• You can cook, too right?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

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• 3% Vitamin E
• 2% aspirin
• 2% ibuprofen
• 1% Vitamin C

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