Sex Jokes — best jokes

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "after play"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

What about the female orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.

"I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.

"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me".

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise", screams Fred.

"I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off"

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.

The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.

He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.

They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".

The native repeats, "Tree".

They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".

The native repeats the word, "Bush".

They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.

The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?"

And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.

The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"

The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.

The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight."

The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."

The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you."

The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead. Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much beer and you get fat. Toom much pussy and it makes you poor. Advantage: Draw.

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy.

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five! Advantage: Pussy.

With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy.

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran. Advantage: Draw.

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little bastards!"

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
He marries........ ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
The one with the largest breasts!