Sex Jokes — best jokes

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

"I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man" she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asked his bride.

"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"

The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!! "NO, says the exhausted hubby"!

"Well who are you calling then, she asks."

I'm calling Tiger Woods...

I want to see what par is for this hole!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens".

So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten??" And the docter replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens".

So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens."

The next morning a little boy walks up and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?...
→ Viagrafalls

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.

The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"

"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I have no dick!"

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks.

"I have no dick!"

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!"

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!"

"Why?" the doctor asks.

"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!"

"Why?"

"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2. How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12. The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13. The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
14. Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.