Random joke from this category
(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
I absolutely hate sex on the television.....
I keep falling off!
Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"
So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio!
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother: "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.
This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.
Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...
I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."
Mother fainted.
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!"
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".
The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?". The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".
The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man - "I just came in my pants!"
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D.
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"
There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.
"Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came.
"Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call."
So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"
"Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out."
So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.
As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!"
"That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance."
Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.
When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!"
"But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?"
"Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"
