School — best jokes

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
• MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
• MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
• ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
• MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
• MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
• ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
• SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
• MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
• MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
• MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
• MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

• EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
• EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
• MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
• MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
• ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm f**king nuts!"

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted:

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.

He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
→ Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

- Man: Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.

- Madam: Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.

- Man: It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it.

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.

"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night.

Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college sidekick are perched near the front door of the girls' dorm. Several plain Janes walk by as the two converse.

Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm and saunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and -- barely audibly -- inquires, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The young beauty -- startled by what she thinks she heard -- exclaims, "What?!" Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats, "Typical nasty weather?" "Oh," she demures, "yes," and goes on her way.

More young lovelies walk by and the scene is repeated.

"Tickle your ass with a feather?" "What?" "Typical nasty weather?"

Finally, Romeo delivers his line, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" and his prospect stops, smiles and invites him up to her room.

Now the sidekick, alone, having paid close attention, decides to try this remarkable new technique. A likely prospect comes near. The sidekick leers and blurts out, "Cram a feather up your ass?"

Shocked, the girl spins around and slaps him, to which he replies, "Looks like rain!"