School — best jokes

Should you have any questions during the exam,just raise your hand. This should cause enoughblood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask? "Do you want fries with that?"

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation saidshe was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I havewaited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiledwith delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass througha red light' five hundred times."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.

D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer. P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.

Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.

The following may be the reason why.

A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

How to write a paper1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.9. Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's over you are going to start that paper.10. Listen to your other favourite cd.11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savorits special flavor.15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench- coated strangers lurking in the hall.22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.26. Leap up and write the paper.

Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)