Political Jokes — best jokes

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies, "No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag."

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC.

He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway."

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward.

The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."

The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."

Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"

She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

"Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but I've only come up with one: Lying.

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

- Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

- Pres: You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
→ One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
→ Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
→ None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.