Mom/Dad Jokes — best jokes

Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
• 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
• No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
• You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.
• Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
• Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
• Never light fireworks inside.
• Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
• Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
• Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.
• Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
• Walnuts make the blender act funny.
• Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
• Collecting things is good.
• Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
• Eating string is a bad hobby.
• Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
• Finger painting is good.
• Finger painting walls is dangerous.
• If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" It's too late!
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands." You don't want to know.
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth." You REALLY don't want to know!
• 'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.
• The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
• Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
• Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
• Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.
• Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
• Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.
• Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.
• Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
• Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
• "Why do fish float?" means trouble.
• Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.
• Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.
• Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
• Cats get even.

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

- First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh my priest!"

- Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!"

- Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

Little Johnny walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies "They're making cakes."

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer "They're making cakes." The next morning the little girl says to her mother "Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night."

The Mother replies "How do you know?"

The girl says "I licked the icing off the sofa!"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Let a pig and a boy have everything they want, and you'll get a good pig and a bad boy.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says...

"Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"