Mom/Dad Jokes — best jokes

- Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed?

- Son: I couldn't find a spider.

My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.

Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

- Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath.

- Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before.

- Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

What does a baby computer call his father?
→ Data.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said, "All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
11. "Show me how you used to spank her."
12. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
13. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
14. "I just got my license today."
15. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
16. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
17. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
18. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
19. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

Mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

How does an Amish father find his daughter in the field?
→ Pretty good.

- Dad, can I ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No!

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope!

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wear...

- Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?

What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby?
→ Ask your parents.