Random joke from this category
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
- Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?
- Yes Mom.
- Your handwriting seems very large.
- Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.
- Do you want some help using the Internet, son?
- No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Janey Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
- Mother: What does the cow say?
- Child: Moo!
- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?
- Child: Meow.
- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.
'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!'
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
