Military Jokes — best jokes

Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.

- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.

- There's another trench over there.

- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.

- OK.

So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out, "Are you OK?"... nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

"Cover me, I'm coming back!"

When he jumps back in, his mate says, "Where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for over an hour."

"Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her from behind!"

"It was great!"

"You lucky bastard," said the other. "Did you get a blow job?"

"Nah," said the other, disappointedly. "She didn't have a head."

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?
→ When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.

His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.

"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask.

Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."

The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...let him in!"

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants."

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottomed boats?
→ So they can see the old Polish Navy!

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"

He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."