Military Jokes — best jokes

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions.

The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."

The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship."

The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn!"

The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Whats long, hard and full of semen??
→ A submarine.

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."

"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.

"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."

"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.

On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.

"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"