Military Jokes — best jokes

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
→ In his sleevies!

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
→ When they had lots of sleepless knights!

Why did the Romans build straight roads?
→ So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!

Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army?
→ To avoid the draft!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
→ A can of people!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
→ A fish tank!

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days:

- Have you ever hunted bear?

- His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts.

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

"It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."

Have you seen the polish mine detector.
→ Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.