Military Jokes — best jokes

You Might be a Marine Wife if:

1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you.
2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's LES and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3. "Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have some.
4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak, change plans on a moment's notice, yet you are not being treated for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better than their service reps.
7. You know what forms you need better than your husband's Admin clerk.
8. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from any country, any time, on up to four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 other men with identical haircuts and clothes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.
12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

At a lesson in topography a soldier was asked: "What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that object on this map?"
"That object, naturally."
"What makes you think that?"
"'Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we can't see that object even at day time."

An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM
2. DISILUSIONMENT
3. PANIC
4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY
5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT
6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No!" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO!!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!

Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket?
→ Because the label said General Foods.

An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.

"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO.

"Why did you come back?"

"Because there's already somebody there!"

What do you call a guard with a hundred legs?
→ A sentrypede.