Men Jokes — best jokes

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women!

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
3. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
4. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
7. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

- Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

- Man 2: Haircut?

- Man 1: Yeah.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
→ I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

Advice From Men To Women...

• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...
• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....
• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....
• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....
• Please don't drive when you're not driving....
• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....
• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...
• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Reasons why it's great to be a guy

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• Monday Night Football.
• Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
• Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
• When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
• A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
• Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
• You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• Your last name stays put.
• You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
• When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
• You can kill your own food.
• The garage is all yours.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
• You never have to clean the toilet.
• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
• The National College Cheerleading Championship
• None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
• Flowers fix everything.
• You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
• You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
• You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
• Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
• You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
• You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
• You get to jump up and slap stuff.
• One mood, all the time.
• You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
• You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
• Same work....more pay.
• Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
• You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
• You don't mooch off others' desserts.
• The remote is yours and yours alone.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• ESPN's sports center.
• You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
• You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
• You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
• If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
• Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
• Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
• If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
• Baywatch
• There is always a game on somewhere.

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
→ "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
→ "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
→ "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
→ "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
→ "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
→ "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
→ I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.