Random joke from this category
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling:
- Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!
She says:
- Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?
He replies:
- I don't care...
Just get the heck out!!
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
- Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
- Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
- Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked:
- Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?
- Darling - she whispered after they had finished making love.
- Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?
He considered this for a moment, and then replied:
- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.
A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said:
- You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.
So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.
The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said:
- I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?
To which our young friend replied:
- Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.
What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"
- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
→ Marriage.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.
Then she wispered in his ear:
- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.
Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:
- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:
- I had an affair with a woman - almost.
The priest says:
- What do you mean, 'almost'?
The man says:
- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest replies:
- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:
- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied:
- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!
