Marriage Jokes — best jokes

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

- Tell her it's ok - says John.

- I already did them by hand.

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said:

- Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?

- Not even once! - exclaimed Ole.

- Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?

- Well, er, yes --- but only three times - she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

- Hmmm, three times? - questioned Ole.

- That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?

- Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council? - asked Lena.

- That was the first time.

- And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector? - she asked.

- That was the second time.

- OK, Lena, when was the third time? - queried Ole.

- The third time was... - Lena paused.

- Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.

Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her:

- Why the turkey and Santa?

She replied:

- I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said:

- OK.

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home.

- OK - said the man.

- And you may give her my silver.

- OK - said he.

- You will also give her my jewelry.

- OK - said the man.

- And you will also give her my dresses - said the woman.

- This will not be possible - answered the man - you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked:

- What's wrong?

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst:

- I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked:

- What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice:

- This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"

- Oh my God, - the other golfers said; - That must have been horrible!

- Horrible? You think it's horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief:

- It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny:

- How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies:

- Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says:

- That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers:

- Well, so far, we've been lucky...

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife:

- Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks:

- Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says:

- Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says:

- Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said:

- Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.

He did.

- Now kiss me the way you used to...

- Now darling, bite me the way you used to.

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said:

- Where are you going dear?

- To get my teeth, dear - the husband replied.