Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:

- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks:

- Daddy, what was that?

Her father, still in a panic, says:

- Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly.

- Must've been a big butterfly - replied the daughter...

- Did you see the size of it's dick!

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

• 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
• and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple...

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!"

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says:

- If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.

He grabs her butt and says:

- If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says:

- And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.

Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
→ They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps writing in her diary!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says:

- So what's bothering you, dear?

She says:

- Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.

The priest says:

- Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?

She says:

- That he did, Father...

The priest says:

- What did he ask, Mary?

She says:

- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!