Marriage Jokes — best jokes

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

- Excuse me, - our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.

- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

- OK, - the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.

- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.

- I don't have ten thousand dollars!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

- There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, - he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

- What the heck am I doing? - he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop, - he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go, - said the officer.

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked:

- Do you have something you would like to say?

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

- GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife:

- You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled:

- Bell 1, - and his wife took off all here clothes.

- Bell 2, - and his wife jumped into bed.

- Bell3, - and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled:

- Bell 4.

- What's this Bell 4? - asked her husband.

- More hose, - she replied,

- You're nowhere near the fire!

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.

For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!

The judge said to Mickey "I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy" and Mickey said, "I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

He goes into the confessional and says:

- Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.

The Father says:

- You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.

The confessor replies:

- Yes Father, they were.

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said:

- Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.

The priest responded:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?

The man replied:

- No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!

The priest says:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?

Exasperated the man said:

- No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!

The priest said:

- Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!

The man said:

- OK, fine. and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said:

- So, how did it go?

The confessor said:

- Great! 6 months off, and two leads!

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:

- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmer's wife replied:

- It needs to be a little bigger around.

So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:

- How does it feel now?

The farmer's wife responded:

- I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:

- How was the Martian man?

To this, the farmer's wife replied:

- Fine.

- And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied:

- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!