Marriage Jokes — best jokes

This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting:

- honey I am home!

What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.

Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.

- Don't laugh! - he screams.

- You're next!

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
→ They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

- Well - she said.

- The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

- The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

- The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says:

- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.

So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:

- your dick tastes like shit!

The guy says:

- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out:

- ... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..

She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed:

- Good God all mighty

- That's right, that's right - the minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to:

- ... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins...

the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted:

- Jesus Christ

- that's right, That's Right - the Minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to:

- ... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child

the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said:

- If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.

- Oh! - exclaims Doug.

- Good trade!

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:

- Who was that?

- Oh - she replies.

- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.