Marriage Jokes — best jokes

What's a man's worst nightmare?

1. The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2. His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3. A female boss.
4. He has to ask his wife for money.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
→ Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

You know you're a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells:

- You need more tail.

The guy turns to his son and says:

- Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained:

- Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'

Definition of a Wife:
(B)eautiful
(I)ntelligent
(T)alented
(C)harming
(H)omemaker

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks:

- Well isn't there anything that you can give me?

The bartender says:

- I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says:

- Sure I can talk!

The guy thinks for a second and then says:

- I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

- Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!

- Man: Then what happened after that?

- Parrot: They started taking each other's clothes off.

- Man: And then what? (getting more angry)

- Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!

- Man: What next? (really steamed by this time)

- Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!

- Man: And what then, did they do anything else?

- Parrot: I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
→ Her husband wakes up.

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
→ The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.