Marriage Jokes — best jokes

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question.

- Not at all, go right ahead - she replied.

- Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?

- I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.

- I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much.

- Well, if it's that important to you...

- Jimmy is your child.

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her:

- Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!

- Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!? - her friend said.

To which the wife replied:

- Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds.

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?

- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man:

- I sure wish I had bigger tits.

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked:

- Toilet paper, what will that do?

The man said:

- I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said:

- NO! Then he would be the president of United States

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.

- Hurry, - she said to the repairman:

- you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said:

- I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:

- What on earth are you doing?!?!!

The wife turned to the other man and replied:

- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?

- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:

- Thanks.

- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

- Joe: They all died, Jim.

- Jim: How did that happen?

- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: How terrible! And your second?

- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

- Jim: I see, an accident.

- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.