Marriage Jokes — best jokes

John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.

Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming:

- My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!

She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.

At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces:

- Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.

In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:

- But where is your husband?

- Jim? - the haggard woman said.

- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:

- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:

- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Alimony:

1. A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2. A splitting headache.
3. It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4. Paying for something you don't get.
5. That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6. The high cost of leaving.
7. The last laugh.
8. The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9. Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10. A woman's cash surrender value.
11. The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks:

- How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

- And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

- And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!

- And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

- How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies:

- That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!

One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through.

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

What's the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
→ Say she wants to talk to him.