Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want."

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested:

- Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?

Her mother glared back at her and said:

- Don't talk about your father that way!

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if he's right? That has not happened yet.

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:

- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied:

- No he didn't. He just walked in the door.

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.

The woman smiled:

- So what?

The neighbor was surprised:

- It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?

The woman replied:

- I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse:

- I just don't know what to do with you! - he said, shaking his head.

- We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

- I know, I know... - acknowledged the wife contritely.

- But at least I'm cutting back!

The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.

- Was it my friend Steve? - he yelled.

- No - she said.

- Was it my friend James? - he then asked.

- What? - she shouted.

- Don't you think I have any friends of my own?

- Come on, Steve - one guy said to another at the gym.

- your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?

- I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog.

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says:

- Honey, I can explain!

- As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

- While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

- As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said:

- Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?