Marriage Jokes — best jokes

The little boy asked his dad one evening:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

- I don't know, son - he said.

- I'm still paying for it.

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked:

- Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?

The smallish fellow replied:

- I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here.

A woman tells her friend:

- My husband is an angel.

Her friend replies:

- You're lucky, mine is still alive.

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies:

- a necklace and a vibrator.

- Why? - asks the second man.

To which the other man replies:

- Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife.

- I don't like the looks of your husband - he said.

- Neither do I - said the wife.

- but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids.

Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children:

- Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.