Marriage Jokes — best jokes

How did the telephones get married?
→ In a double ring ceremony!

Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone.

'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?'

'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.

"Hi honey," replied the man.

"I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?"

The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?"

"Oh yes," replied the woman.

"Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man.

The woman continued, "Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"

The man thought a little harder and said, "If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."

The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?"

The man got a frown on his face and said, "See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."

The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"

"Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?"

"It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
→ Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
→ Because they had a crush on each other!

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?
→ Rugs and kisses!

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way sir." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."

The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.

"Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'why?' She replied, 'Because I love you'."