Marriage Jokes — best jokes

- If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back?

- It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.

Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?
→ Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful!" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk.
"I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

- Were you in Paris on your vacation?

- I don't know, my wife got the tickets.

Two men were having a drink together.
One said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife."
"Why's that?" asked the other.
"Because she's always trying to bite my head off," he replied.

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"

"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.

"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!"

"A rifle? What fer?"

"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.

"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

- Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.

- Of course. What's your phone number?

What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau?
→ A wedding ring!