Marriage Jokes — best jokes

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced.

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
→ It's called wedding cake.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
→ I don't like to interrupt her.

How do rain drops marry?
→ They coalesce

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?"
"Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replied, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today."