Random joke from this category
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.
She looked up and said:
- Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!
A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:
- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!
But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:
- My husbands home! My husband's home!
What a gal I married!
And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!
On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.
The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.
Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.
- What are you doing? - asked his bride.
"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"
The wife says:
- Tiger wouldn't do that.
- Really! Just what would TIGER do? - says the husband.
Well we would do it again!
Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.
So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!
- NO - says the exhausted hubby!
- Well who are you calling then - she asks.
I'm calling Tiger Woods...
I want to see what par is for this hole!
Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered:
- You've got to keep that old motor running.
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
- You really are amazing. How do you do it?
He again said:
- You've got to keep the old motor running.
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
- You must be quite a man.
He responded:
- You've got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse then said:
- Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!
An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife:
- Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?
She hesitated a while and said:
- Yes, 3 times.
- Three times!? how did it happen? - he asks.
"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time."
"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"
- It is hard to believe - he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.
She continued:
- And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?
"Of course I remember."
"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"
- Yes - he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But tell me, what was the third time?
She responded:
- Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says:
- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.
She exclaims:
- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!
The husband replies:
- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!
