Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

- Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? - says the bartender.

- Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

- Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

- If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

- I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!

- Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?

- Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...

BAD DOG!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion:

- What seems to be the problem?

The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband:

- Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

The husband scratched his head and replied...

- I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

- Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

- They're in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

- What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

- Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly:

- Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk ?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:

- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

- And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time...

- I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her:

- you have the nicest breasts.

She says:

- thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.

He replies:

- I would pay you $10 just to see one of them.

She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says:

- Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....

- I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says:

- your best friend just stopped by.

He answers:

- Great did he leave the $20 he owed me

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.

The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

She said:

- Well.. each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

- And what about the thousand pound? - asked the old man.

- Well... - Replies the woman - Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

- Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

- Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

- Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

- Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife:

- Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

- Honey - the woman replied sweetly - I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!

- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

- How was your blind date? - a college student asked her roommate.

- Terrible! - the roommate answered. He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.

- Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?

- He was the original owner!

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

- Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

- Returned un-opened.

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

- My father grows beans - said one student.

- My father cooks beans - said another.

- Then little Johnny spoke up: We are all human beans.

- Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

- Little Johnny: "He gets stepped on."

- Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

- Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

- Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

- Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!