Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
→ Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

- Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

- I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

- Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

- That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

- I'm number four.....

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning.

- I want you to begin divorce proceedings - she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said:

- Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said:

- We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.

- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.

- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.

- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?

- Please don't make me tell you, mamma - wept the daughter.

- I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride replied:

- Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says:

- What are you doing?

She answers:

- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies:

- I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

- I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies:

- I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says:

- it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that.

The woman turns to him and smiles and says:

- Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

- Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?

- It's OK - he answers.

- I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.

- Well, then - she replies.

- I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?

- So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain:

- And how's your sex life....

- Infrequently - he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking:

- And is that one word or two?

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

- What the heck did you do that for!?! - the man screams.

- Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?

The man says:

- No I don't, you IDIOT...

- But my wife out in the car still does!

My wife came home yesterday and said:

- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said:

- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.

- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.

- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?

- In the lake!