Language Jokes — best jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following: "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?
→ Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
→ Frost-bite!

How do you spell relief?
→ F A R T

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?

Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes - spic....spic....spic....nigga...nigga...nigga...nigga.........chink!

"Outside a dog, a book is a great companion. Inside a dog, it's pretty dark!"

A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender replies "I'm sorry, We don't serve strings"

The string, angry, runs to the bathroom and ties himself up into knots until his ends are frayed.

Then he walks back out and asks the bartender for a drink.

"Hey, aren't you the string I just talked to?" The bartender asks.

"Nope," Says the string, "I'm afraid not." (a frayed knot)

If you're an American when you're out of the bathroom, what are you when you're IN the bathroom?
→ European! (You're a Peein')

And if you really gotta go bad?
→ Russian!

What was the pirate movie rated?
→ ARRRRRRR