Language Jokes — best jokes

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Where are the germs that cause "good" breath?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

Why do people tell you when they are speechless?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
→ He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
→ They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
→ He's all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
→ She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
→ I have a hunch he's back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?
→ They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
→ With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
→ Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?
→ Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?
→ Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
→ "Well done."

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
→ "I am ewe."

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
→ "I find you very attractive."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
→ Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?
→ Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do cats like on a hot day?
→ A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?
→ Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
→ Mice Krispies.

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
→ French flies.

What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
→ Poloroids.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
→ A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
→ A south paw.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
→ Chicken of the sea.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
→ The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a transvestite cow?
→ A Dairy Queen.

What do you call Eskimo cows?
→ Eskimoos.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
→ A quackintosh.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
→ Bacon and legs.

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
→ Milk and quackers.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
→ Nothing, it just shuts up.

What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll?
→ Bait.

What goes "99 thump 99 thump 99 thump...?"
→ A centipede with a wooden leg.

What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
→ A watch dog.

What is a reptile's favorite movie?
→ The Lizard of Oz.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
→ Decomposing.

What kind of reptile tells time?
→ A clock-odile.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
→ Chocolate chimp cookies.

What magazine do cats like to read?
→ Good Mousekeeping.

What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
→ It's raining cats and dogs.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
→ Kids won't eat broccoli.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
→ I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
→ One is Moscow, the other is cow's ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
→ The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
→ Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
→ At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
→ Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
→ The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available?
→ The mid woof.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
→ Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
→ Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the opossum it could be done.