Language Jokes — best jokes

Here's a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST...see if you can do it!

DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)

Seen in the want ads:

A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia garden, classic music and tal-king without getting too serious.

Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

• English: I Love you
• Spanish: Te Amo
• French: Je T'aimes
• German: Ich Liebe Dich
• Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
• Italian: Ti Amo
• Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
• Swedish: Jag Alskar
• Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
→ Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.

He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.

After all... torque is cheap.

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."

Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.

A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks: "Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"

Perforation is a rip-off!

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff... Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.

And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.

Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite... it'll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the picture - I'm being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
→ He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"

The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:

1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"

Bill said, "Sure."

So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says, "What are you talking about? Thats not your aunt! Thats a picture of a fish!"

Joe says, "Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...

Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...

Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...

Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...

What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...

Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
→ He had to learn how to read ilps...

Why are chickens so ugly?
→ You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ Cause they dont know the words...

Where are an elephant's sex organs?
→ In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...

How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
→ If she farts, her ankles will swell...

What's the ulitmate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...

How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
→ Your Hefty bags are missing...