Kids Jokes — best jokes

All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!"

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"

From Reader's Digest, June 1992:

I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune.

So, I've restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby.

After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.

After having quadruplets, the mother named them... Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff, and Stayoff.

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.

If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Eric's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear.

Eric was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

- Grandma, what happened to the kitten?

- It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.

- Where does a kitten go when it dies?

- God takes the kitten to heaven.

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, "But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?"

A business person once sat behind a small child on an airliner traveling from Chicago to N.Y. The kid sat with his nose glued to the window as the plane taxied and then took off.

After a couple of minutes in the air, the boy turned to his father and asked, "When do we start getting smaller?"

Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.

After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

By Bill Adler

A Teenager is...

• A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..
• A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..
• A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
• Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
• A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
• A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
• A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
• An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
• A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
• A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
• A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a Michael Jackson concert.
• A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
• A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
• A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
• An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.