Kids Jokes — best jokes

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddy's wallet.

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
→ A bald eagle!

- Scoutmaster: Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?

- Tenderfoot: Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!

- Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.

- Son: But I want to learn to swim?

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?
→ Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.

She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, "Don't feed him worms! They'll make him sick!"

They looked up at her puzzled and asked, "Was he sick yesterday?"

- Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left?

- Son: I don't know, because in school we learn on apples.

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick

- Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet.

- You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.

- Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

- Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?

- You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys

- Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.

- You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.

- Bro/Sis: This time we won't.

The Snowflake Story

- Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!

- You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!

- Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo

- You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!

- Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.

The Elf

- Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet Tom.

- You: I don't see anybody.

- Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.

- You: Oh sure.

- Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.

- You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later

- Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.

- Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

From Matt Groening's very funny "Big Book Of Hell", here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:

If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.

Dogs and bees can smell fear.

Nothing's impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.

If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.

There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.

If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.

Rain is just God peeing on you.

If you die in your dream, you will die.

Adults are really Martians, and they're up to no good.

Here I am at Camp Grenada. Camp is very entertaining, and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining. I went hiking with Joe Spivy. He developed poison ivy. You remember Leonard Skinner; he got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors, hate the waiters, and the lake has alligators. And the head coach was no sissy, so he reads to us from something called Ulysses. Now I don't want this to scare ya. But my bunkmate has malaria. You remember Jeffrey Hardy... They're about to organize a search party.

Take me home, oh mother, father. Take me home, I hate Grenada. Don't leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear. Take me home, I promise I will not make noise or mess the house with other boys. Oh please, don't make me stay! I've been here one whole day.

Dearest father, darling mother, how's my precious little brother? Let me come home if you miss me. I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me...

Wait a minute... It stopped raining! Guys are biking. Guys are sailing, playing baseball... Gee, that's better!

Mother, father, kindly disregard this letter!