Kids Jokes — best jokes

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man:

- Aren't they cute, what are their names?

The man giving the lady an angry look replied:

- I don't know.

The lady asked again:

- Which is a boy and which is a girl?.

The man looking angrier than before replied:

- I don't know.

The woman then started to scold the man:

- What kind of a father are you?.

The man replied:

- I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought:

- Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said:

- Well son, do you have any questions?

- Just one Dad - gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks:

- How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:

- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand:

- Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says:

- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says:

- Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says:

- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.

Little Johnny says:

- No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.

- Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

- No change yet.

- Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!

- Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!

This kid walks into the pharmacy:

- I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.

- What do you want?

- Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know...

- What do you want?

- I need some protection, alright??!?!

- What size?

- Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess.

- That'll be $2.35 including tax.

- Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

- I'm worried - said the woman to her sex therapist.

- I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies.

- That's not unusual - smiled the therapist.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

- But I am worried, doctor - insisted the woman - and so is my daughter's husband!

When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.

We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed:

- I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says:

- Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies:

- The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boys thinks about this, and then says:

- Well then, why is the boy wearing black...