Kids Jokes — best jokes

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him:

- Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says:

- Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?

His grandpa replies:

- Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says:

- Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds:

- Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered:

- Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! - Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. - Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- No laundry - the boy said.

- I'm going to wash my dog.

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied:

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh, What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says:

- Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says:

- Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested.

He replies:

- I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.

- Well, - she says, maybe we can work something out.

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says:

- Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck.

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him:

- I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead.

She calls her friend and tells her:

- You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need.

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says:

- Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife.

Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says:

- Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!

- Dad, - he says, You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
→ Have you tried a flyswatter?

Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
→ Shut up and get back to work!

Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
→ Get a new dad.

Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy?
→ Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
→ Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked:

- Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?

The dad thinks for a second:

- Of course son, we're a family.

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey.

- This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!

Somewhere in America, next week...

- Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

- Son: What's up, Dad?

- Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

- Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

- Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

- Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

- Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

- Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

- Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

- Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

- Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

- Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?

- Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

- Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?

- Son: From The President of the United States.