Kids Jokes — best jokes

Great truths about life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS

- Dad's New Wife Timothy

- Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games

- How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

- Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag

- Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

- Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

- The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

- Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures

- The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

- The Tickling Babysitter

- Babar Meets the Taxidermist

- Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

- Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse

- The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

- Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On

- The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

- How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear

- When is Later?

- The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor

- Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed

- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky

- Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep

- How Far is Not Far?

- Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story

- The Boy Who Cried "Fire!"

- Things Rat Poison Looks Like

- Why Uncle Bud Falls Down

- Two Fingers in the Dike

- Back To School! A Munitions Primer

- Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice

- Things That Are Really Sharp

- How Dopey Got His Name

- Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

- Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?

Tony shows him America.

- Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America?

- Lisa: Tony did!!

- Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther?

- Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer...

- Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do?

- Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says:

- we're playing poker - and the mother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says:

- We're playing poker - and the grandmother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says:

- I'm playing poker.

The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies:

- You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne who?

- DWAYNE THE TUB! I'M DWOWNING!

A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says:

- Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?

The Grandpa says:

- I Don't Know, Why?

The Little Boy Says:

- Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Go To Disneyland!

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said:

- If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop.

The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said:

- Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops.

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said:

- Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!

Finally, the girl turned and said:

- Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.