Kids Jokes — best jokes

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
→ I knew some day my prints would come!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said:

- I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked:

- So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied:

- I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

- Yes it is - the man replies.

- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.

- No thanks - the man replies.

- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.

- Okay. How much? - the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.

- Twenty-five dollars! - the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

- It's dark in here, isn't it? - the boy starts off.

- Yes it is - replies the man.

- Wanna buy a baseball glove? - the little boy asks.

- Okay. How much this time! - the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

- Fifty dollars - the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says:

- Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.

- I can't. I sold them - replies the little boy.

- How much did you get for them? - asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

- Seventy-five dollars - the little boy says.

- Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. - the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

The priest says:

- Don't you start that crap in here now!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather smiles:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?

The grandfather replies:

- Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!

Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?
→ Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying:

- Lie to me, lie to me!

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.

1st he went to his Brother and asked:

- Could you give me a spelling word?

His Brother answered:

- ShutUp

So he wrote down Shutup.

2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered:

- Certainly

He wrote down certinly.

3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.

4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered:

- In my Little Blue Car

The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked:

- Do you want to go to the principles office?

He said is second word:

- Certainly.

In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered:

- Lolipop!!

Then the principal asked:

- What do you think your punishment should be?

The boy answered:

- To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said:

- Say your ABCs first

The boy started saying:

- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The teacher asked at the end:

- Where is your P?

The boy answered:

- Running down my pants!!

I will not waste chalk...
I will not skateboard in the halls...
I will not burp in class...
I will not draw naked ladies in class...
I did not see Elvis...
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'...
Garlic gum is not funny...
They are laughing at me, not with me...
I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom...
I will not encourage others to fly...
I will not fake my way through life...
Tar is not a plaything...
I will not Xerox my butt...
I will not trade pants with others...
I will not do that thing with my tongue...
I will not drive the principal's car...
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart...
I will not sell school property...
I will not instigate revolution...