Food Jokes — best jokes

Why did Mrs. Tomatoe turn red ?
→ She saw Mr. Green Pea !

Something to ponder... Do the workers at the Lipton factory get a coffee break?

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise!"

Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon.

Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic.

"I'm sorry," says Socialism, "I was standing in line for sausage."

Capitalism says - "What's a line?"

And Communism says - "What's a sausage?"

What kind of cereal do cats eat?
→ Mice Crispies!

Why are Australians like kiwifruit?
→ Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside..... and too many of them will give you the shits!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ GROUND BEEF!

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!"

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."

Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."

Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?"

Wife says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."

Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember."

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"

The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down."

Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there?"

To which the wife replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!"

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named "Joe".
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.