Ethnic — best jokes

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.

The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.

He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.

They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree".

The native repeats, "Tree".

They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush".

The native repeats the word, "Bush".

They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.

The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?"

And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.

The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!"

The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

• You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
• You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
• You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
• You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"
• You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
• You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
• You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
• You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
• You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
• You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
• You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".
• You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
• You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
• You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
• You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
• You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
• You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
• At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
• You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
• The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

- Why not?

- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!"

The Newfie said, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish". Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!" Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said, "Tell me more about this wall." The genie said, "Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

So, the Vancouver guy said, "Fill it up with water!"

Did You hear about the Redneck who...

• Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage.
• Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery.
• Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.
• Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.
• Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.
• Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped.
• Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her.
• Thought asphalt was rectal trouble.
• Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
• Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.
• Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.
• Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.
• Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard.
• Studied for five days to take a urine test.
• Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
• Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He swore his mother was a virgin.
4. And his Mother thought he was God.

Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'?
→ They don't like ANY Witnesses!

How to identify a Canadian driver:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"

So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did. Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"

The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"

Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!"

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk!

Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
→ When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.

A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The Saudi replies, "Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?"
The Russian replies, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean replies, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
Finally, the American replies, "What's 'Excuse me?'"

What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
→ A ride on lawn-mower.

Why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.

They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".

They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques..."

HEAVEN Vs. HELL
Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife.
Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll whip your butt!"

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

What is Iraq's national bird?
→ Duck!

How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
→ Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.

What is the definition of mass confusion?
→ Father's day in Harlem!

Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took!

A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.

He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, "Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in."

The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, "The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!"

This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.

An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.

After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, "Do you realize, son, that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?"

"I'm not surprised," said the kid. "That's a Lunatic Asylum!"

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were twee little pigs..."

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says, "Hey you! Get off my cloud!" The Scot says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!"

Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================