Ethnic — best jokes

Are you harboring a fugitive?
→ Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
→ Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
→ Dum Gai

Small Horse
→ Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!
→ No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach?
→ Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
→ Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift
→ Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
→ Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?
→ Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution
→ Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet
→ Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone
→ No Pah King

You are not very bright
→ Yu So Dum

I got this for free
→ Ai No Pei

I am not guilty
→ Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer
→ Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled next week
→ Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived
→ Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight
→ Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
→ Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
→ Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!
→ Hu Flung Dung?

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

The chieftain of a remote village flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises - "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z" - and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises - "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z" - and then said, "Yes , and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - from the shortwave radio."

Monday

• 8:00 Husseinfeld
• 8:30 Mad About Everything
• 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
• 9:30 Allah McBeal

Tuesday

• 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
• 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
• 9:30 No-witness News

Wednesday

• 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
• 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
• 9:00 Judge Saddam
• 9:30 (edited)

Thursday

• 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
• 8:30 Achmed's Creek
• 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
• 9:30 My Two Baghdads

Friday

• 8:00 Just Shoot Me
• 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
• 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H
• 9:30 Veilwatch

What do Chinese people name their retarded children?
→ Som Ting Wong

Benign
→ What you be after you be eight.

Artery
→ The study of paintings.

Bacteria
→ Back door to cafeteria.

Barium
→ What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section
→ A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan
→ Searching for kitty.

Cauterize
→ Made eye contact with her.

Colic
→ A sheep dog.

Coma
→ A punctuation mark.

D & C
→ Where Washington is.

Dilate
→ To live long.

Enema
→ Not a friend.

Fester
→ Quicker than someone else.

Fibula
→ A small lie.

Genital
→ Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series
→ World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail
→ What you hang your coat on.

Impotent
→ Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain
→ Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff
→ A Doctor's cane.

Morbid
→ A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates
→ Cheaper than day rates.

Node
→ Was aware of

Outpatient
→ A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear
→ A fatherhood test.

Pelvis
→ Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative
→ A letter carrier.

Recovery Room
→ Place to do upholstery.

Rectum
→ Darn near killed him.

Secretion
→ Hiding something.

Seizure
→ Roman emperor.

Tablet
→ A small table.

Terminal Illness
→ Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor
→ More than one.

Urine
→ Opposite of you're out.

Varicose
→ Near by/close by.

Vein
→ Conceited.

A Japanese man went to the eye doctor. The optometrist said to the man, "Sir, I believe you have a cataract."

"Oh, no," replied the Japanese man. "I dwive a Rincon Continentaw."

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...!!

"Supplies"!!

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really." God replied...

"Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - 'put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."