Ethnic — best jokes

Confucious say:

• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
• It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
• Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
• Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
• Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
• Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
• Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
• Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
• Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
• Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
• Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

ARTERY - THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA - BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM - WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BOWEL - A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION - A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN - SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE - HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC - A SHEEP DOG
COMA - A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C - WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE - TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA - NOT A FRIEND
FESTER - QUICKER
FIBULA - A SMALL LIE
GENITAL - NOT A JEW
G.I. SERIES - A SOLDIER'S BALL GAME
HANGNAIL - COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT - DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN - GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF - A DOCTOR'S CANE
MORBID - A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES - CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE - WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT - A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR - A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS - A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE - LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM - PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM - DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM
SECRETION - HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE - ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET - SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS - GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
ULTRASOUND - VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE - OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE - NEAR BY
VEIN - CONCEITED

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"

Wuz de night befo Crismus
An all ober de hood
Everybody wuz sleepin'
Day wuz sleepin' good.
Everbody wuz sleepin'
all tight in they beds
Whilst Thunderbird Wine
Danced in they heads
I was passed out on de flo
Right next to my Ma
When I heard such a fuss
I thinked "It must be de law!!"

I looked out tru de barz
dat covered my do
Spectin' de sherif
with a warrant fo sho!

Now ober de years
Sanny Claws, he be white.
But it lookin' like us bros
got a black Sanny dis night
Now what I did see
made me say "LAWD Lood at dat!"

It was a huge watermellon cadi
pulled by dwarf rats
Faster than a po-lice car
True de air he came
an whupped up on dem warf rats
an called emm by name.
On Leroy, on Kendrick,
On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious
They was a sight to see
He didn't go down no chimbly-
just picked de lock on my do'
An I says to myself-
"Shit! He done did befo'!"

He had a big sack
full of presents I spect
With Air Jordans and Fake Gold
to go 'round my neck.
But he didn't leave any presents-
just started steelin' my shit
He got my drugs, my stoled guns
an even my burglars kit!

With his sack on his back
Out de winder he flew
I sho woulda catched 'em,
but he stole my knife too!

He jumped on dat watermelon cadi
and pulled out a switch
He was gone in a second
dat son-of-a-bitch
I sho hope nex year
a white Sanny we git'
Cause de black Sanny Claws
jus' ain't wuf a shit!!

What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
→ They both have black roots.

What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
→ Retardo.

How do you babysit black kids?
→ Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!

How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?
→ Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do you get him down?
→ Blind fold two mexican kids and tell them he's a pinata.

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says; "ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!"

Wee jordy says "aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?"

Well she says "i can tell by the gleam in your eye."

Walking along a bit further she says to him "wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss."

"well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?"

"ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!"

Walking along a bit further she says "wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me." He says, "aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!"

"No!" she says... "by the tilt in your kilt!"

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."