Elderly Jokes — best jokes

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said, "You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked." The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?"

The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.

After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

- Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!

- Did I say I was 64?

- Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?

- Damn straight you did! I'm 85!

- 85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?

- Did I say he was dead?

- You mean...

- Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!

- My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?

- Did I say he was dead?

- No! You can't mean...

- Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!

- 126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!

- Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?...

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.

One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.

He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket please?"

The assistant asked "Pardon sir?".

"Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.

The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked - "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?". The assistant said "Oh right, you mean a bun!". The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."

So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"

The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out."

Some beauty parlors do a great job.

One young man followed a young woman for twenty blocks. Then he found out it was his grandmother.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20 doesn't?
→ A belly-button!

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."