Random joke from this category
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
"Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new."
Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.
"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year."
Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."
- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.
- Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
- Grandma: Yes, I do.
- Fred: Well, you can have mine.
- How old is your wife?
- Approaching forty.
- From which direction?
An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
"That's right," said the old man. "Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead."
"Well, sir," said the interviewer, "I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday."
The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, "I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!"
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!
There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...
Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.
The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.
This continues for 2 glorious weeks.
When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?". To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long." The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'".
Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.
Monica said, "I need this dress cleaned." The man said, "Come again?"
Monica replied, "No, it's just mustard."
When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:
